Light up
by jammyjamfan
Summary: Alternate universe i guess. Not really sure how to describe this. A Chance meeting of two strangers, can things get better for them. Warnings of abuse. Disclaimer: i do not own Rizzoli and Isles.
1. Chapter One

CHAPTER 1

* * *

Maura sits at a different table today. She hopes to be noticed by a certain girl that works there. She hoped to sit in her section but she gets it wrong again. She watches the girl as she works the tables a few away. She orders a drink anyway.

Maybe it's for the best, maybe she wouldn't know what to say anyway, maybe she would bore the girl. She needs more time to think what she could say. She has to fight off that pang of guilt anyway.

Maybe tomorrow she will come again, she will sit over at that corner table, she find a way to strike up a conversation. She isn't even sure why she desires to be noticed by this stranger.

The girls are all gorgeous here, always showing off more skin than anywhere else on this block. They have beer. They have food. They have sports. They have pretty young girls serving tables. High heels and bare legs that stop at short shorts or mini skirts. Belly buttons and Maura could number off most of the exposed rib bones. The place could easily be described as a more PG version of hooters. And the place is always full of men. Day and night.

Single men, married men, nasty men, students, bikers and business men.

Most of the girls flirt for tips, some even lift their tops. Young, ditzy girls talking like they don't have much in between their ears.

But then there is this one brunette who stands out, who turned Maura's head and made her heart beat faster when no woman should have been able.

How funny it should be that she came to this place on the words of her husband.

"Those girls at that topless cafe on tenth are so hot."

He had said it during a fight, he had said it to put her down, he had only said it the once.

She came out of rage the first time. She wanted to see where her husband went instead of spending time with her, to see how she fell short of pleasing him. To see what he wanted instead of her. Could she look ten years younger for him. Would he treat her better if she did.

The girls weren't 'topless' as the name suggested but the clothing didn't leave much to the imagination.

How ironic that she would also find herself attracted to one the girls that worked there. She was gorgeous, and she didn't feel that way just to spite him. She was 'hot'.

She could have lost even more clothes without coming across as slutty.

She looked like a breath of fresh air.

She had loved Garrett once. But now he made her feel like she wasn't good enough. She had aged of course, they had been together since college, five years, but he had aged too.

The second time she went to 'Topless' was because she had to decide something. Would she leave Garrett before he left her for some young attractive under 20, big breasted woman that probably had a name like candy or trixie.

And she had pondered this that second time she came over a sweet fruit smoothie, almost ready to cry into it, when the curly haired brunette came on shift. Maura didn't see her arrive, but she heard her speak, she was passing between the bar and where Maura sat alone at a table, and she had said in a voice that sounded like butter and gravel, "Whoever he is he ain't worth your love sweetheart."

Maura turned and caught the side of her face, dimples and a caring smile, and the woman walked away from her to work. It took some time to realise that statement was meant for her, but wouldn't it be strange to thank the woman a half hour later...would it. And while she was debating if she should start a conversation, the same woman caught her eye again and it was like a magnet to her heart, drawing it across the room. Not literally but almost knocking her out of her seat. Maura grasped her chest as her heart heaved against her ribs as if was trying to get out.

Her brain was a mess as it scrambled to console her feelings with the fact she was in fact married.

How could a person do this to her, cause feelings she had never felt before.

It was too much, too new and confusing, she felt too vulnerable in too many ways. She wondered where her strong facade had gone.

She never said a word as she left and took herself home. Because she couldn't think of a thing to say and was terrified of making a scene.

Garrett always got into her for making a scene, for saying smart things people couldn't understand, for trying to stand up for herself. He had hit her before because she had corrected his vocabulary in front of his friends.

It wasn't the only time he hit her, but is was the one time she didn't feel she deserved it.

And maybe he had slapped her confidence away. Being married to him had definitely changed her...even she could see it. But could she leave him. Both their reputations would survive eventually, but her mother would never approve. Her social circles would self implode. Her life would change.

Their home would be sold.

Maura had waited a week to go back to 'Topless', she had tried to ignore the pulling of her memories towards that strangers smile, to get lost in those twinkling eyes.

She would buy a hundred smoothies and sit at a different table every day just to hear that voice again. To hear the way the word sweetheart rolled off her tongue in that sexy texan way.

So she went...but the woman wasn't working. She asked after her. Melody they called her but the name didn't fit, she would be working tomorrow from 2pm till 6pm. And so Maura skipped her yoga class. She sat in the corner and she watched the woman. Melody stayed busy, perhaps intentionally so she didn't have to spend too long talking to the sleezy guys hitting on her at table five. Maura watched as Melody walked back and forth, glancing around the room occasionally. She didn't seem to notice Maura even though she sat at the same table from 4pm till 6pm ordering the same disgusting healthy drink but never finishing it before getting another.

Melody was perhaps older than the rest of the other girls and she didn't seem ditzy like they were. She was tender and warm with her customers. Always so busy, always smiling, confident. She didn't try to flirt with the males for extra tips, she didn't seem remotely interested in them.

And after two hours Maura feels confident enough to talk to Melody, she is debating moving tables to one the woman just cleared. But there is that shyness that causes her to pause...Her mother's voice rolls through the back of her mind 'what would everyone think of you' and 'you don't want to seem desperate'.

But perhaps she was desperate, for attention, for someone to care, for a friend, for love. Why else would she endure these watery, almost tasteless, far too sugary, glasses of gunk.

When Maura looked up from idly stirring the colourful gunk...the girl was gone. Maura checked the room over and waited before she saw the clock. Two minutes past 6. Melodys shift had ended while Maura had been distracted.

She sighs a sad sigh as she poked at a berry with the tip of the straw feeling more and more like a failure in every way.

She doesn't want to go home yet...perhaps ever.

"Mind if I join you?" A sultry, soft and gravely voice asks sending little bolts of lightening down her spine.

"Sh-Sh-Sh-sure." Maura stutters, surprise and something else causing her brain to misfire.

Her palms start to sweat and all the smoothies turn in her stomach.

She turns to face the voice and those dark liquid eyes are all she can see. Melody is more gorgeous close up.

Her eyes soft and warm, soft dimples and firm delicate eyebrows.

"Thanks." Melody says as she sits down and clasps her hands together gently.

"I'm sorry." Maura says weakly trying to sound confident, "I noticed you."

The woman's lips curl up at the corner, slightly amused but a hint of gratitude, "I noticed you noticing me."

There's no judgement in her words, no expectation. Her eyes glance off the wedding ring on Maura's hand as if it wasn't important.

Maura can't remember ever being this quiet before, this shy.

"My name tag says I'm Melody. But you can call me Jane if you want."

"Jane." Maura repeats as if she can keep the connection forever with just a name.

Jane smiles again, dimples like stars appear and vanish again.

"They give us the names with the job. I don't hate it at least."

"I'm...I'm...you can call me Suzie." Maura says. Somehow she feels a false name will mean she isn't betraying her husband, that it somehow protects her marriage.

Jane looks her up and down quizzically, or perhaps gently, like she knows the name doesn't fit. But she smiles anyway.

"So...you like the smoothies?"

Maura presses her lips together to hold back...everything.

"I'm not here for what's on the menu."

"Oh really." Jane smirks, "something you like that's not on the menu?"

Maura blushes a dark red and tries to hide it with a laugh.

"I didn't think you'd notice me."

"I'd have to be blind to not notice you, Suzie."

Maura frowns, "Notice I was watching you?"

Jane smirks again, it makes her dimples pop in a very sweet way, "No. Notice _you_."

"Why?" It comes out more desperate than she'd like. But her brain tells her she's an idiot to ask because it's obvious, she's practically the only woman patron in the place and she's been sitting there for two hours.

"You're pretty noticeable. Sophisticated, and hot, you're like one of those photoshopped models in a magazine." Jane replies in a way that sounds like it's an everyday comment she gives.

"I'm none of those things." Maura replies looking down into her smoothie.

"Wow. Humble and cute. That's a combination I could get used too."

Maura flushes and feels guilty at once, "I...I'm married." she confesses as if that would balance some imaginary scale.

Maura hadn't taken her ring off, she wasn't hiding the fact. And she had seen Jane glance at it when she sat down anyway.

"Wanna get out of here Suzie?"

Maura can only nod.

* * *

They walk side by side through Bostons gardens and park, few words have passed between them yet but they both have hundreds of questions they each want to ask.

But the silence is as sweet as talking, neither minds it.

A small dog runs towards them barking, dragging its leash behind, and Maura watches as Jane steps quickly ahead of her and greets the wee creature, "Hello there little one. Are you lost?"

She rubs the dog all over and scratches behind its ears while looking around for the owner.

The dog loves the attention and ends up on its back for a belly rub.

Maura smiles at the sight, the most beautiful woman in the world, wearing a three quarter black tee shirt that shows off toned abs and three quarter black tights that show off muscled olive calves, bent over a small brown dog. Her dark hair falls over her shoulders and down her back, covers the sides of her face, it's practically everywhere. And when Jane looks up at her, head tilted back, a huge grin on her pretty face, sparkling eyes, Maura thinks she might just be in love with her. Or at least a very strong physical attraction. Jane notices that Maura is not moving or reacting to the dog.

"You don't like dogs?"

Maura shakes her head no, "I am not opposed to dogs, I just prefer other pets."

"Cat person?" Jane asks grabbing the leash and standing up to face Maura.

"I like Reptilia's."

"Like snakes?"

"Like snakes, but I'm more enthusiastic about testudines."

"What are they?" Jane asks with the tiniest frown but full interest.

"Turtles, tortoises and terrapins mainly. "

Jane smirks, "You like turtles?"

"Tortoise's."

"There's a difference?"

"Most definitely."

Jane brushes her hair away from her face and over her shoulder as she turns to continue up the path with the small dog in tow and Maura starts to walk with her as well.

"Do you always talk like that Suzie?"

"Like what?"

"Uh...scientifically, big words and stuff?"

"I...no...yes...I mean I used to." Maura replies honestly, knowing she won't be forced to explain why. "Is that wrong should I stop?"

Jane turns quickly, "Wrong? Not at all. I just thought you might be nervous or something. I kinda like it."

Maura feels relief. How awful to scare of this gentle and gorgeous creature by accident.

"I don't feel afraid of being myself around you."

Crap...that honesty is going to get her in a lot of trouble if she isn't careful.

"Good." Jane replies with another grin, "So what do you do to occupy yourself Suzie?"

Maura smiles, "I'm...I'm studying to be a doctor." She loves this about herself. Despite marrying young and being expected to be a housewife and a aristocrat, she wants something more, to be doing something for others. She hates the country club drinks and golf, she hates the ladies nights all dressed fit for a king, she hates the Sundays on a yacht with Garrets friends while they talk about nothing important. She got sick of the elite lifestyle and spending money endlessly.

"Wow. Neat." Jane says with a soft grin as if she is proud of her new friend, "You must really like that."

"I do. How did you know?"

"You lit up."

"Lit up?"

"Yeah. You know. Like a Christmas tree? It's a saying. You practically started to glow and you looked happier than I've ever seen you."

Maura smiles recalling that the first time Jane saw her she was having a marriage crisis of sorts, adding salt-water to her smoothie.

"Everyone said I shouldn't...that I should have kids and keep Gar- my husband happy by staying at home."

Jane nods, "If it's any consolation, I think you should always do what makes you happy."

"Thank you. What about you Jane? Does working at Topless make you happy." Jane laughs cynically and then sighs, the brightness she always carries fading away like a dark approaching storm, "I'm only working there to make ends meet. I hope you don't think less of me because of it."

"I don't."

"It's just a job that has the hours I want. It's disgusting...but it's work."

"If you weren't working there then we wouldn't have met, Jane."

Jane smiles again like she just discovered that the consolation prize is better that the first place prize.

She sees a park bench and tugs the little dog off the path towards it and sits motioning for Maura to sit beside her.

Maura eyes the bench up first checking there is nothing offensive on it to ruin her skirt.

"I keep it clean, guys get a little handsy sometimes but that's as far as I'll allow."

Maura had already noticed that, "What do you want to be doing? What would make you happy?"

Jane shrugs softly, like her dreams are already somehow defeated, "I'd really like to have been a police officer, or a detective. But I can't...I can't afford college. I can't afford to not work. I can't afford much right now. I..."

Maura realises the pause hasn't ended and Jane is looking at her with a sort of strange protection, or devotion.

"What is it?"

"I'd like to ask if I could take you out for ice-cream...or a smoothie...but I can't even afford that."

Her face darkens as if the revelation is more shameful than a crime.

"It doesn't matter...I promise." Maura offers trying to find a way to bring that smile back, "I will get us ice-creams...I will buy them..."

Jane's face stays dark, eyes ever so slightly damp.

Maura feels desperate now, she just found a thing...whatever this thing is...and she doesn't want to loose it over some pocket change, over someone's misfortunes in life, she wouldn't care if the woman was homeless living in a box and wearing a rubbish bag as a dress, "Jane. Would it be too much to tell a total stranger why you don't think you could reach your goals?"

Jane is looking off into the distance, the look on her face makes Maura wish more than anything she could read her new friend, that she had already known Jane a lifetime so an explanation wouldn't be necessary.

"My papa...he's a plumber. Doesn't make much. Worked hard tho. But he took off for a bit, kinda hiding cause he messed up his taxes. So my Ma, she hasn't worked since I was born, is trying to make ends meet with my two little brothers." Jane sighs, "So here I am."

"That's terrible Jane."

"Wouldn't happened at some point I guess, probably better now than later. But we almost have it sorted and when we do my Pa will come back. He promised."

"In the meantime you're picking up the pieces?"

"Yeah," Jane whispers, "I had to."

Maura doesn't know what comes over her but she reaches out and puts her hand over Jane's to comfort her. And it feels like fireworks under her fingertips.

Jane turns to her and smiles softly, its laced with sadness but also something else Maura hasn't yet learnt to read. At least the tormentous cloud has receded.

"Thanks." Jane offers before she looks down at their hands. Her eyes linger on the wedding ring and Maura watches Jane's features change.

"He doesn't love me." Maura says softly.

"I wasn't asking. You don't have to tell me."

"I know. I want to."

Jane nods and waits.

"He is a Fairfield. It was like an arranged marriage that his parents and mine wanted. I never loved him...I just hoped I would eventually fall in love with him. But he is...not gentle...not kind. And he cheats on me."

Jane's mouth drops open and she looks at Maura, "How could he. Why would he?"

Maura shrugs.

"He's a fool." Jane whispers, "Anybody would be lucky to have you in their life."

Maura smiles and then frowns, "You don't know me."

"I am exceptional at reading people. It's actually the only thing I'm good at."

"Hush." Maura objects, "That's not true."

Jane smirks again, "You don't know me that well."

Maura doesn't smile, "I want to leave him, but I'm afraid. I want to be with someone who cares about me, who I feel safe with..."

Maura looks down at their hands, hers still on Jane's.

She pulls it away wondering why Jane didn't object.

Jane bites her lip in thought.

"Don't say anything," Maura whispers, "Because if you say the right thing it will affect my decision. You already make we feel like I could leave him. That it would be ok too. That I wouldn't be completely alone in the world."

"You wouldn't be alone." Jane says in a breathless way.

"Don't." Maura whispers back, letting their eyes lock. Maura would leave Garrett this second for her if she asked, but god she couldn't put that burden on an almost stranger. She didn't want to rebound on her, or use her. She wasn't even sure she way gay...but she didn't want to have an affair..or a thing. She just wanted someone to love her. Selfishly so. Without breaking someone's heart in the process...without breaking Jane's. Her heart strings felt like they were bending out of shape all by themselves, and it hurt in a good way, a way that reminded her she was alive.

But she would have to tune them, because without that fear of how life could change, she might be reckless.

Jane respects Maura's wishes, pushing her hand through her thick dark mane as if she could store all the things she needed to say there for now.

"I want to tell you something. And it's not about...us."

Jane pauses to wait, respectfully checking Maura approves of her continuing.

Maura presses her lips together. She dumped on Jane...she can't just expect the girl to drop the topic entirely. And so she nods.

"This guy...your husband...he doesn't sound like a very good man. And it would be wrong of me to not say anything...because I don't approve. Because you don't deserve someone that doesn't treat you right. And you don't need to be afraid...he shouldn't make you afraid...but there are places, places and people that will help you."

Maura can tell Jane wants to say she would help and be there herself, but thankfully she doesn't.

"I'm no expert, but a bad relationship is not good for anyone, Suzie."

Maura sighs, the woman is right, she already knew that. She had already noticed her hair thinning and her appetite diminishing even if she didn't admit the cause. The fact she couldn't get pregnant was probably also related to the stress she was enduring.

"Maura." Maura whispers.

Jane raises one eyebrow and manages to push the other eyebrow down which has a charming effect on her features, "What?"

Maura nods, "I wanted you to know my name. I don't want..."

the end of the sentence would have been 'I don't want to keep anything from you and It's my way of saying I trust you with everything I am.'

She doesn't say it, she can't, because she doesn't know if Jane would want to hear it, or be ready to hear it.

"Maura." Jane repeats letting the name roll off her tongue, "Maura." It sounds like honey and thunder and Maura shudders hearing her name spoken with something akin to love.

"Maur-" Jane says, it's almost the same as Maura but it's hers, it's there's, it's special, and Maura falls a little bit more for her.

"It suits you." She adds with a grin.

And Maura is lost for words.

"I like it. And...I like you Maura. I find you unique and very interesting...and I would like to spend more time with you if that's ok?"

Maura nods because she is on the verge of losing control of her secretory ducts.

Jane smiles and reaches down to scratch between the dogs ears.

Maura, takes a moment to get control and let the words sink in. Then she grins widely, she feels lighter than air, she feels invincible.

"Guess we should get this wee guy home." Jane comments standing and reaching her hand out to help Maura to her feet.

Maura takes the outstretched hand, feeling tingling again, and wonders what signals she would send if she refused to let go of it.

Jane doesn't seem fussed as she turns and heads back the way they came, Maura and the dog in tow.

Jane doesn't let go of her hand, it's like she could read her mind. And Maura squeezes tighter.

They walk back up the path hand in hand, steps not quite in time as Jane's legs are far longer than Maura's.

But she doesn't care, she feels like a schoolgirl, butterflies in her stomach, tingling in her hand, heart beating just that much faster than usual.

Finally they spot a small family having a picnic to the side of the path, "I think the dog is theirs."

"How can you tell?" Maura asks curiously.

Jane steps closer to Maura so their eyelines are similar and points to their station wagon with the boot open, "Dog toys and dog crate in the back there."

Maura welcomes the closeness slowing down, and Jane senses it, without letting go of Maura's hand she gently putts her other arm around Maura's shoulders. Jane looks for a negative reaction, but Maura can only smile wider. She feels wanted even if it is by an almost complete stranger.

She feels desirable.

She feels special.

The family is surprised to see their dog as they were unaware it had escaped and they were both thanked repeatedly for returning Scooby to them.

And then Jane turns to Maura, "Can I take you out again Maura?"

Those eyes burn into her and she says yes without thinking.

And Jane's full smile is brighter than the sunshine.

* * *

Garret asks where she's been. He looks angry that she is happy. And her world shrinks before she has even got her shoes off in the foyer.

"I met someone." Maura offers innocently.

And he is a foot in front of her spitting in her face a "Who?" that feels like it cuts her in half.

She feels small. She feels afraid.

"Just a girl." She pleads her hands clasps together like she is begging for something.

"What girl?" He demands.

Maura tries to think up a truth that hides the parts he would be angry about, "She...she works at a cafe and we j-just talked."

"About what?"

How is it that him leaning over her is scarier than when he raises his hand to hit her.

"Um..."

If only she could lie.

He hits her because she hesitates, she should know he hates that. It's not hard. Only surprising.

"What did you talk about?"

"Animals. Her job. My degree. Um...Food."

And it stops him. Because it wasn't a threat to him. And he steps away and she can breath again. Small shallow breaths. Watching his small micro expressions.

He backs off and then looks amused.

She does everything she can to not fall on her knees in front of him.

Fear crippled her. Relief drained anything that was left.

'Just a girl.' She thinks. 'Just a girl that is as beautiful and caring as you are cruel and spiteful.' She thinks silently, letting that thought give her the confidence she needs to get to the bedroom.

To sit at her makeup table.

To stare at herself using her mantra...'I'm ok. He can't break me. I'm ok.'

Her hands finally stop shaking and her heart beats normally.

"I have to leave." She whispers to herself, "I need to leave."

She hears Garrett shut the front door. He has gone, left her...and she is grateful. He has a night with his mates and she can peacefully relive her memories of her day with Jane.

She can focus on positive things, good happy things...

The future.

* * *

They met again a few days later. Maura hiding the bruise near her temple behind her bangs, sunglasses to hide the bags under her eyes from sleepless nights and crying.

Jane didn't know, would never know. Not if Maura could help it.

Maura would not let Garrett destroy her week...her time with Jane.

She watched Jane light up when she saw her.

Like a Christmas Tree


	2. Chapter 2

I'm having surgery in just over a week. I've done my best to get as much out for you before I am unable, it's probably not my best work or at least i'm personally not super happy with it but it's something at least. Supposedly, all going well, I will be laid up for 4-6 weeks, so after the bitchy groggy first week in hospital, I might get a bunch of writing done. :)  
Finger crossed anyway. Also...My trackpad on my mac has decided to do it's own thing, and by that i mean it closes things by itself, opens things, makes new folders, new tabs, uses 'back' button, zooms in, selects sections of texts, and DELETES THEM...anyhow...i will have to backup onto a pen drive as I have no idea what it will decide to do next...which is another good reason to post things now. I've named my laptop 'chucky' now since it's menacing and slightly crazy possessed. Sometimes it behaves perfectly which luls me into a false sense of security and then BAM. I'm really hoping it hasn't deleted stuff chapter already as i woke up to almost every APP and document open and the cursor jumping all over the screen like a possessed thing attempting to press every button it could. I have even heard that nasty sound of things going in the trash bin a few times lately but can't figure out what it actually did. At least I wasn't hacked and it isn't a virus...but i'm so untechnical that i'll just keep screaming at it for a week and hope it manages resolves itself, because i have no idea what to do otherwise lol.

This time of year is the time to be grateful for what you have, even if its a possessed laptop, to thank God for family and support and friends and acquaintances, and especially to** love** each other as deeply as you can...because what else is there really? What else is there in the end?  
Remember that 'Christmas' is a demonstration of love itself...the sending of a son for the sole purpose of his death so we could get to choose life eternal if we wanted.  
I can guarantee you, that when this life is over, without Jesus there isn't much.  
Blessings and love to you all.  
Jam xxx

* * *

_She watched Jane light up when she saw her._

_Like a Christmas Tree._

* * *

CHAPTER 2

* * *

She was only 22. Many called her young. Independant. Creative. Energetic. Many said she had her whole life ahead of her.  
But there were those moments that she felt like her life was already over.  
Like it was one pointless moment followed by an another.

Days that it felt like an endless rut. Blurring into another day.

An endless battle till tomorrow...to do it all over again.

Over again.

Over again.

Sometimes whole weeks passed but nothing much appeared to change.

Sometimes often wonders what the point was.

Is.

She smiles a slightly grimacing fake smile at the man who wants to put his hand on her ass, there is a glimmer of annoyance in her face that she cannot hide. He has tried the same thing twice already...today.

She stopped him. Again. But sometimes she wonders why. What's the point in caring anymore. Where is she headed anyway.

Wherever it is she could probably get there a lot faster, and easier, f she flirted, showed more skin, let them touch her, followed the examples of the other girls. Why can't she be more like them. Why can't she like this.

The thought of allowing it alone made her want to retch.

It was day in day out. Existing. Or surviving. They seemed to be the same thing.

Jane watches the other girls, they seemed happy, happy working here as well as at life in general. Perhaps they had their future mapped out, the possibilities of tomorrow. Or perhaps thay just didn't need a plan, a purpose.

But Jane did. She knew she did.

Ever since she was in nappies she had a plan. She was all plans. How to get extra ice-cream. How to stay up past her bedtime. How to earn pocket money. How to get out of trouble. How to beat her brother at basketball.

Maybe her unhappiness is because this isn't what she expected life to be like. It wasn't her plan. It didn't even feel like her life.

Three years ago she was enrolled in Boston College. She hid her acceptance letter because she knew her Pa couldn't afford it. But she had a plan. She would work, save up, and put herself through college. She would be a cop. She would be the best cop. Then a detective. She would give 150%. She would do it in half the time it took everyone else. And she would help people. She wold combine her street smarts, her gut feelings and her ability to read people into a storm of stellar-ness.

She would be an unstoppable force.

She didn't expect that a year later her father would leave, that she would be a daughter comforting her grieving mother, a second mother to her younger brothers, that she might attempt to be the provider and father figure in his absence.

She got a full time job to pay back her fathers debt and feed her family. Her plan went out the window. All her plans did.

She was left to deal with a misbehaving Tommy, a young boy feeling abandoned, temporarily fatherless, and in his young mind he was the only kid in the world suffering a loss...a rejection...a change in plans.

She would comfort him and be firm with him. She would promise she understood him and it would all be alright in the end. She pleaded with him to not misbehave, to not upset their mother further, to not create a financial burden. She asked him what would help him. But she couldn't give him what he needed. Security, a home and a father.

She might save their home if she was lucky.

Could she even tell him it would it be alright in the end? Could she if she wasn't convinced herself.

What was alright? When is the end? At what point will she have a plan that is more tangible that is merely surviving the day.

Her father had been gone almost a year now...could she even be sure he woud keep his promise to come back.

Her fill-in plan was to get out of this mess in one piece and then go back to her original plan...if she had the strength.

She wanted to be free of these burdens, she wanted to have a job that she didn't cringe when she told people about it. She really wanted to help people. She wanted to be surprised about what tomorrow might bring. She wanted romance or fun or anything that wasn't a reminder of everything she was losing. She wanted to do something that wasn't suffocating her.

She wanted to survive.

She wanted to live.

She sighs loudly into her staffroom locker, a tiny hope sparking inside that someone nearby will hear her subtle cry for help, but the room is completely empty.

She sighs again because she is regrettably and completely alone in this situation, there is no one to talk to, no hero coming to save her, no easy way out.

She wanted to vent, desperately, to scream of injustice and yell at her father. But she was alone. She had been for months now, Unable to talk to her Ma without dumping more stuff on someone that was already suffering badly. Her brother to young. Her co-workers didn't care.

Her facade of brute strength and impassivity felt like is was cracked and crumbling, falling apart at the seams.

Like sinking sand.

Today though, like every other day, she would just have to push through like she always did..because there was a family that needed her, that depended on her. She would just have to keep fighting one more hour, one more day...until he strength was gone. Until she couldn't stand anymore. Some days that felt closer than others...days she though that perhaps she couldn't take it anymore. But somehow she managed. By a small miracle.

She pulled off her sweater and adjusted her top. Pushing one sleeve off her shoulder and making sure the material completely hid her bra.

It was just another day she told herself as if that could make it ok.

It wasn't ok.

Her days were long. At 6 am helping her brothers get ready for high school. At 7am she arrived at her first job, loading and packaging at a warehouse. She was the only woman there but the men were all married and she didn't feel uncomfortable around them. Sometimes they let her drive the forklift when the boss wasn't around, it always cheered her up, it always gave her an extra few days. A spark of strength.

And then at 12pm she starts her five hour shift at topless. She gets to dress how she likes, the tips are good, and the hours work. It's around a very different group of men, but they are boys and she can handle them.

At 5:30pm she will go home and help her Ma with dinner and her brothers with their homework. She had even promised them extra Christmas presents if they got all 'B's' or higher. She had been putting aside whatever she could save for them in secret...because if Christmas was empty stockings...then she felt they might just be lost completely. But at least Tommy was incapable of B's so perhaps it would only cost her a few extra dollars to put a massive smile on Frankie jr's face.

She would help them get to bed and help her mother with the dishes. They would chat together merrily about their days as if they were the easiest things on earth. Jane would lie about her feelings and the men attempting to fondle her, and Angela wouldn't mention that she wore out another pair of shoes at the only job she could manage to get. Basket sales.

And then she would climb into bed and pray like she always does, firstly thanking God for her family, then thanking God she survived the day and finally asking for an extra bit of help for tomorrow if he could spare it for her.

And tomorrow she would very nearly almost do the same over again.

Tomorrow would probably be the same.

And the day after.

And the day after.

And the day after.

She sighs again and forces a smile, preparing herself for her shift.

Smiles get her tips and so she forces it until it stays in place.

She stares at herself in the mirror. Everyday it feels like a little piece of herself is left behind...lost.

And she sums up all the strength she can and walks out into the busy cafe.

It's almost immediately that she knows something is different. The blonde woman catches her eye. It simultaneously wipes the smile off her face and puts it back again.

She isn't even sure why, but perhaps it's because the woman looks like on the outside how she feels on the inside. Or perhaps it because the woman is classy and refined and doesn't fit in a degrading place like this. Or perhaps it's because she is beautiful. Beautiful and soft and in desperate need. Perhaps it's just the promise of something new...adventure.

Jane sees the ring on the blonde woman's finger as she passes, she sees the nails on one hand chewed heavily, the slight bags under her eyes, clenched jaw and eyes glassy.

A beautiful mess.

It pulls at her heartstrings.

She wonders if the depressed can comfort the depressed.

But this woman needed a word, a kindness, something...right now. And she could give it. She was here. She was willing.

She takes a deep breath and puts on her "I am totally and brilliantly fine and ok and...fine" face, forcing a cheery grin, because perhaps this woman needs more of a rescue than she does.

She hopes she doesn't put her foot in it, or worse...get yelled at.

She walks toward the other side of the room, she walks behind the woman so she will be heard over the usual clatter of cutlery and chatter. She wants to reach out and touch the slightly trembling shoulder but remembers that not everyone likes to be touched.

"Whoever he is he ain't worth your love sweetheart."

And the woman turns quizzically.

Her hazel intense eyes and confused frown meeting Jane's brown ones. It makes her stomach somersault. It pulls at her but she resists. She must resist. The woman may not want her advice, her comfort, and so she forces herself to get to work.

And she can feel the woman's eyes on her, following her. Eyes and irises and lashes she can already recall even without looking.

She is scared to look up and meet those eyes, she is afraid to see anger from those eyes, annoyance, expectation. Anything unkind.

But after a while, after Todd tries to grope her yet again, after someone asks to see her tits, after she wonders if she could throw a beer on a lap while making it look like an accident, then she wonders if the woman is still watching her or if she is now just imagining it now. Curiosity gets her and she has to look.

And her heart is in her throat, then it is gone, lighter than air like it isn't inside her anymore.

_She might be the most beautiful woman on the entire planet and she is looking right at me._

She smiles brightly, she can't help it, she has no control over herself. It's like her face has a mind of it's own.

She wonders if there wasn't several tables between them, if she would just float across the room towards her.

The spell is broken as someone calls for her. Some guy ordering another beer. They sound underwater but she can hear them.

It takes a moment before she can look away, and she fights herself to not look back straightaway...because it would be too easy to get distracted, to get lost in those eyes...forever.

It is almost painful but she busies herself with work, she can't afford to loose her job, she can't afford to get in trouble.

And then moments later, she sees a flurry of movement. She looks up quickly, in time to catch the back of the woman as she walks out the door.

Her heart beats faster in panic.

She watches the door for a moment hoping the woman will return. She just left something in her car. She saw someone on the sidewalk she knew. She had to put money in the meter.

When she doesn't return, Jane considers running after her, but she knows she already waited too long. The woman was gone. A woman whose name she doesn't know that managed, with a single look to turn her inside out.

The woman was like adrenaline, like energy. She wanted more...she needed more. If she could have that again...how could she find her.

But the surge is still inside her, running through her veins, promising her good things. She feels she can survive again. Like it's not all hopeless after all. Like there is a point to life.

Maybe, just maybe, there IS more out there for her, she just has to be brave. A few more days, weeks.

It would be ok.

That night she lies in bed picturing the woman. That blonde hair and those endless hazel eyes.

Her red coat with black cuffs that fitted her perfectly. A red handbag. White blouse, black skirt and heels. She looked like she belonged in a Paris fashion magazine. She was perhaps a little older that Jane but soft and delicate. Jane wondered why she ran off. Wonders if she could find her somehow. Perhaps work out what store the woman shopped at. Or search through the receipts for her credit card details. There had to be a way.

In the end she doesn't have to track the stranger down, the woman comes back again a few days later.

Jane bites her lip when she see's her walk through the door, the same surge of energy through her veins. She wants to go over and talk to her immediately, at least get her name, but her boss is watching her, and it isn't in her section. The waitress, Cindy, serving the woman would literally beat Jane up if she thought she would loose any tips. Cindy had a temper. Cindy was vile. Maybe even a little bit crazy.

Jane discreetly watches the woman drink half her smoothie then pushes it to the side and orders another.

Jane can sense the woman watching her, she likes it. Because maybe someone cares. Someone will care. Someone sees her.

It's the fastest shift she ever had, two hours is over in moments, and she looks at the woman who is completely distracted, no longer looking at her, for her.

Jane walks out the back and stands in the staffroom again and she sighs. Like a reverse of last time.

Only this time the sigh isn't a cry for help.

She isn't sure if the woman wants to talk to her. She doesn't want to assume the woman was there for her. Came back for her. But then here she was, watching Jane again. Maybe the woman knew her, or wanted something. Why else would she be being observed.

The least she could do is ask.

Because even if she's disappointed...she feels happier anyway. A smudge of hope in a cruel world.

Hope was maybe all she needed. And the least she can do is give it back, away, to everyone, without even loosing it.

It's not exhausting or draining anymore.

It's just life.

She doesn't change into her jeans and tee-shirt to leave, she doesn't want to miss again, wait a moment too long. She walks back out of the staff-room into the main area, across the busy room, past Cindy who gives her daggers and clenches her fists...straight towards the woman.

What's the worst that could happen, she asks herself. She can only say No.

She clears her throat gently, "Mind if I join you?"

_Sure._

'Sure' was the sweetest word.

'Sure' made her smile again.

And 'sure' lead to more words...to the promise of more time...to more hope and more excitement and an abundance of energy!

Energy was her joy.

Just being around Suzie or Maura made everything feel ok.

And she knew she couldn't stop smiling.

Her jaw would hurt later but right now she didn't care.

Her smile also seemed to help Suzie Maura, and that was more than enough to sustain her...perhaps forever.

She felt so good.

Life had more in it than part time jobs, packing, cleaning, waiting tables, and helping raise her brothers.

She might not have two cents to rub together but she had someone to talk to, maybe even someone who cared.

And so she skipped to their next meeting. She hadn't skipped since she was 12.

As she skipped, she thought about it all, that this feeling wasn't from anything Maura had said.

Jane thought maybe it was the way Maura looked at her, like she was capable of doing anything she wanted to do.

Maura looked at her like she was important.

Like she mattered.

Like it would be ok.

She wouldn't have cared where they met but only that they did.

She could tell Maura had been nervous about meeting again, particularly the location, who would see them. Maura seemed nervous over a lot of things that she hoped to one day understand. Wanted to understand.

And when she saw Maura she couldn't control her face again, she smiled, and Maura smiled back at her. The smile didn't quite reach her eyes. Eyes which were covered with far too large sunglasses that didn't match her cute little matching two piece. She carried herself a little more stiffly too. Tense. Perhaps tired. Perhaps something else. Jane could tell she was hiding something.

"Hi. How are you?" Jane asks wondering if the answer would be completely honest.

"I...ok. Happy to see you."

Maura feigns a smile to go along with her deference.

Jane feels panic. It's as if she already knows her well enough to know that the woman is in trouble, even if she shouldn't know that yet.

She swallows to hide her panic. She tells herself it's just her protective instinct. It's a part of her DNA.

Everything will be ok. She will make sure it is.

She keeps smiling, because if she loses that smile she fears she might loose Maura too. That perhaps her smile is going to keep them both sane.

"How are you Jane?"

"I'm good, Maur. Really great. Thank you for coming."

At least it sounds sincere, because right now she wants to hurt whatever is causing her new friend anxiety.

That silence...the pause after...it says everything.

Jane struggles... because they don't know each other well enough for her to know what's safe to ask, but she wants to.

Jane nods up the path to indicate they start walking. Anything is better than staring and silence.

And Maura walks beside her head slightly down, almost dragging her feet.

"You can tell me absolutely anything you want." Jane starts keeping her voice light, perhaps even a little playful. It's safe and it's non specific. It always works on her brothers anyway.

Maura doesn't reply, she wraps her arms around herself a little more.

"Or I can blab about myself?" She tries to look cheeky. To lighten the mood.

Maura feigns a smile.

Jane pushes her hands into her pockets, because all they want to do is grab Maura, hold her or maybe shake her...something. Something to fix the something that's somehow broken.

And then she changes her mind, she reaches out her arm and slips it through Maura's arm. She is gentle because she is a little scared herself. And Maura seems to accept it. Hugging it tighter to herself. Her pace seems to get a nicer beat to it.

It feels foreign and familiar all at once. Walking side be side, arm in arm, like best friends would. As if they have done it before.

And Jane just enjoys it for a moment as Maura presses closer into her.

Jane draws her strength from it.

"So theres a restaurant opening downtown next week. They are friends and well...I wondered if you would...you know...like to come with me...for it?

Maura is silent, distracted, non-responsive.

She clenches her jaw. It's the only way she knows to control herself in moments like these.

"Talk to me Maur." Her voice comes out low and broken.

Maura stops walking and turns looks at Jane, "I'm ruining this. Aren't I?"

Jane shakes her head no. 'This' hasn't been established therefore cannot yet be ruined.

Maura continues, "I want to enjoy this. Being with you now. I really do. I want to be carefree and just be _with_ you. It's almost all I've thought about since the other day... I want to forget about everything else in the world. But now I'm here with you...I am so confused. But I don't want to talk about it and ruin this. I want this. I'm disappointing you aren't I?"

Jane understands. She has watched the conflict in Maura, even the other day making these arrangements, and of course she'd like to make her forget all the bad stuff. She would love to erase it from Maura's mind. But she also knows from experience that some things are better out than bottled up.

"I am not disappointed Maura, I could never be. It's fine. Don't worry. I'm happy to be here with you regardless of what you're going through."

But she wants to push further, she doesn't know what pushing could do, but it has to be better than this.

Pushing has to be better than watching this silent suffering. Even if Maura turns and walks away at least she knows she tried.

"I should go home. I'm sorry." Maura offers.

Jane watches as Maura's lip quivers slightly.

She shakes her head_ no_.

"Absolutely not. Just talk to me...get it off your chest Maur. Forget about what I'll think. Just tell me what's bothering you. Then we can work out how to move forward. Together even. I'd really like that. I care about you and I'm a good listener."

At least once it's out in the open it can be moved past.

Maura does react, Jane can sense it but she can't see it. She needs to know what's going on behind those glasses, so she reaches over to pull them away, slow and deliberate as if approaching an untamed animal.

Maura doesn't move except that she clenches her jaw, a hint of fear at Jane's movements. Or perhaps at being seen.

"I won't hurt you Maura." Jane can't help the quiver in her own voice as the glasses come away in her hand.

Maura squints a little at the light, her eyes still puffy and slightly red.

Jane just smiles softly, she wouldn't comment on something so tragic, beautifully tragic. At least not without knowing why. What good would it do saying how bad Maura looked.

What good would pointing out the obvious do.

"Better." She promises Maura giving her the brightest smile she can summon, "Much better.". Even puffy eyed Maura still looks amazing and Jane has to swallow the lump in her throat.

Maura finally looks up into those warm eyes, and Jane senses another change in her.

More trusting, more relaxed, more open.

"I promise it will be ok. Just _talk_ to me."

Maura studies her slowly. Jane keeps herself calm, open, ready. However long it takes.

"I'm really scared."

It's a million reasons rolled into one. Jane can sense that.

"What are you scared of?"

Maura chews her lip before looking up again. Her eyes like windows into an expanse of a dark space.

"Us? This?" Jane feels her heart tighten even as she says it. How horrible for this to end before it's even begun. But she knows it is somehow linked...Maura met her again...why...

Maura shakes her head that it isn't that.

"Then what?" Jane asks, trying to keep her broken voice sounding soft and not relieved.

"It's...it's Garrett. I'm scared that even being here...and you."

Jane takes in a deep breath, if only to calm herself so she can be calm for Maura.

She figures Garrett is the husband, the ring, the reason for the tears.

"What did he do Maura." She asks gently but not quite showing the sympathy she would like to.

Maura's shoulders slump impossibly further and Jane can feel the anger inside herself growing. Now she knows it's something big.

"_What_ did he do?" Her voice sounds like shattered glass to herself and she hates it.

It causes Maura to look up, her eyes wider, less fear, more concern, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring you into this Jane." And she turns to walk away, or maybe run away.

Jane can't let her go that easily, she can't loose the person that makes her feel that life is still worth living. The person that perhaps needs her now more than ever. Not perhaps...definitely.

Her long arm easily reaches across the distance to Maura before she can get too far away, sliding down her forearm and clutching gently at her wrist. Turning her so they are facing. Maura doesn't pull away. Maura doesn't even try.

So she reaches her other arm, and puts it on Maura's bicep.

Maura hisses softly.

"You're hurt?"

Maura shakes her head weakly. But keeps her face low and turned to the side. Jane isn't buying the lie. She reaches her hand out to touch Maura's cheek and the touch causes the nerve endings in her fingers to dance.

Maura freezes like a child caught in the act as Jane gently pushes blonde hair off her face and tucks it behind her ear.

It gives her a good look at the bruise. It's fresh. Perhaps two days. Not dark but shaped almost like the palm of a hand.

"He hits you."

She can't believe how calm she sounds.

It wasn't a question.

It was a reality.

A bad one.

"I deserved it." Maura concedes weakly.

Jane grabs Maura's shoulders, "No you didn't. You don't. No one deserves that ever. _Ever_."

Maura shakes her head and tries to turn away again. Jane doesn't let go.

"He...he only did it once."

Jane watches as Maura looks guilty, she was a terrible liar. Then Maura squirms slightly as if it was physically painful for her.

"I'm...I don't even know why you're here...no one would want me."

Jane clenches her free hand. She wonders if saying her opinion of Maura would have any effect of Maura. They barely know each other. Why would Maura believe a statement from a poor blue collar stranger anyway. What would saying 'I want you' do to Maura, to them.

"Maura. You're coming with me." Jane speaks louder and harsher than usual, its desperation.

Then she cringes as Maura cowers slightly away from her heavy voice.

"I'm sorry Maur..." Jane lowers her tone and speaks softly, letting her hand slip down Maura's arm to her hand, grabbing hold again. "I'm not letting you go back there. Back to him."

Maura sobs softly and Jane puts her arms around her letting her sobs be buried against her chest.

Every shudder ripples across Jane's shoulders and she can only hold Maura tighter.

"Maur. I'm so sorry. You're coming home with me. Ok. And you're coming now. I will keep you safe."

"I can't." Maura sobs, "It'll make him so angry."

"Well he can get angry by himself on his own."

Jane pulls away and cups Maura's cheeks with her palm, "He is never going to hurt you again. Never again. Do you understand?"

Tears stream down Maura's cheeks as she looks back at Jane, "I _have_ to go back."

"Do you?"

"Yes...because he might hurt you."

Jane can see the fear growing inside this realization, "Stop worrying about me, I can look after myself. I have brothers...friends. He doesn't know me...And I am going to look after you."

Maura drops her head against Jane's shoulder blade. Jane can't decide if it's because she is embarrassed or ashamed or relieved.

Or maybe Maura actually believes her.

* * *

Fear. She had felt it clawing towards her.

The day her Pa ran off...fear tried to dig its claws in. When her Ma relied on her pay checks...fear clawed at her, scratching her, leaving an itch that reminded her of it. Of how vulnerable she was...of what would happen if she failed.

She had experienced fear and love on equal scales. But she wasn't sure Maura had. The fear yes...deeply. But the woman seemed to be unsure of love, or caring, of kindness. Where was the love...the tenderness and care one needed to survive.

Love had always balanced that fear for Jane...but she wondered how Maura had managed without it. She had never heard of a relationship so empty of love.

Of a life so full of neglect.

Absent parents.

A loneliness so vast and consuming that Jane could sense it every time she made a physical gesture or said a kind word.

They talked for a long time. Maura had spilled almost the entire story within minutes of Jane locking the front door of her home.

Not every detail, but many. Some things she described with a look. Some things with a sigh. And some with words.

And as Jane listened and watched, her own worries and chaotic thoughts seemed so small. So minuscule.

And with every word spoken Maura became calmer. Unburdened. Trusting.

For every fear that pulls her away. A smile, a touch, concern, care, love...they bring her back.

And now, hours later, third cup of calming tea and a cushion on her lap, several hugs and whispered promises, the tears have dried up.

Jane has joked and Maura has laughed, just moments to break up the tension.

Moments Jane truly loves.

Because she is in love with Maura's laugh.

The biggest fears behind her and an unknown future, and Jane knows exactly how she feels.

What happens if you get what you plan for and it's the worst thing in the world. It was a thing Jane had never considered could happen.

Telling a complete stranger all your mountain of problems knowing it could cause them to run away. It was what worried Jane but her mountain was only a hill compared to Maura's mountain.

But with the mountain revealed and Maura not ready to think about making new plans right now, Jane distracts Maura from the fear of the unknown path before her.

"You know..." Jane starts, her voice low and gravely, "...When I was seven I almost died. While it was happening it seemed like a dream but then it was like a mountain of fear."

Maura stops sniffing and turns to watch Jane, to listen.

"I don't remember it exactly. It was the day before my seventh birthday. Ma and Pop had been fighting so much, over money. That's what they always fought over. My little brother Frankie was only a few weeks old. I thought I was just tired cause he would keep us all up screaming. I went to bed when I got home from school cause I felt to tired to do any homework. Ma and Pop were fighting that day too. That's why I didn't tell them I felt sick. It wasn't until Frankie started crying that my parents stopped. I think because I usually looked after him when they fought...but that day I didn't. My Pop found my in bed and he asked if I was ok. I couldn't even answer. It felt like I was on fire and I couldn't move. I remember him carrying me to the car because I could feel his heart racing. He took me to the hospital. I only remember that everything was blurry and they kept moving me every time I got comfortable. I'd get hot and then cold and then hot over and over. And I was so scared."

Maura is lost in the story and Jane can tell.

"They told me after that I had a fever they couldn't bring down. That they used ice baths and cooling pads. And eventually something worked and I was allowed to go home. It took over a week and I know if my Pop hadn't got me there when he did I would never have gotten home."

"That's...wow."

"I missed my birthday. But that wasn't the worst. I had lost my voice for several weeks. Somehow it damaged my vocal chords."

Maura's eyes cross between Jane's eyes as she talks.

"I did get my voice back...well this voice. I didn't sound like mine. I mean...I don't sound like I used too. I don't sound like I did before."

"I like your voice." Maura quips softly causing Jane to pause her story and smile before continuing.

"The scariest part was all the things I told myself while I was sick. Untrue things. Like that it was a punishment...a birthday present I deserved. And my parents didn't care about me or they'd notice I was sick in bed. That I should have died because I was so alone and no one wanted me around. And afterwards, when I went back to school, the kids picked on me cause I sounded different, I thought no one would ever care about me. I thought I'd failed and I wasn't good enough. That things could never be ok again."

Maura nods, hopefully understanding in part. Relating it to the lies she told herself, like that she deserved to be hurt or that things couldn't get better.

"What I learnt was that there was always going to be someone around to pick me up when I needed them. Always. That what some people thought of me didn't matter, it only mattered if those people mattered to me. And that what seems to fill up the entire space...the entire world, shrinking it all into badness...that it is just fear and that it will go...and when it goes then the world will be bigger and brighter. You'll see it the way it is."

Maura smiles softly.

"And I am gonna be right here until that fear is gone, until you get to where you need to be. And the bad news for you is that my Ma is gonna be all over you too, probably baby codling you, and I doubt you'll get even a moments rest from it."

And Maura smiles for real making her eyes twinkle, lighting up again like when she talked about being a doctor. It causes Jane to feel like her insides are all electrified.

"Sooo. You will stay as long as you want. You'll have to share my room...I'll have to tidy it before you step foot in there."

Maura almost snorts a laugh as she shakes her head.

"I'm so far from even joking Maur." Jane says pushing her loose hair over her shoulder and grinning, "It looks like a bomb went off in there."

A hint of a frown joins the smile, "What happened to your room?"

Jane laughs, "I'm usually really messy...but I promise to be good while you're here."

Maura reaches over grabbing Jane's hand as if it's a lifeline.

"I won't inconvenience you?"

Jane chuckles, "On the contrary. You might just be my reason to get up in the morning with a smile on my face."

Maura raises her eyebrows slightly "You...you don't always smile?"

She doesn't want to talk about it, but at least it's a distraction for Maura.

"I haven't been happy so much. But...since meeting you...everything feels...like it might be going to be better."

Maura draws Jane's hands towards her resting it on her lap, "I feel...exactly the same."

Jane's heart feels like it thuds in her ears and she squeezes her hand around Maura's.

"You're never gonna be alone again. You're never going to have to face anything by yourself again."

And Jane is surprised by Maura throwing her body against Jane's, burying her face in Jane's neck. Jane can make out the whispered thank you. She smiles into golden locks. She feels like the brightest light in the sky.

She holds Maura like her life depends on it. She holds Maura like Maura depends on it. And that's how they stay until they hear a key in the door as Ma arrives home.

Life is good. Life has just gotten a little better, a little less lonely. A lot less painful. She has a friend and she will be a friend.

She has a plan.

Together it will be ok.


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you for all your wonderful comments. My prayers go out to everyone during these tough times with covid-19 and lockdowns, unemployment, financial stress. Health concerns and fears. Remember to love and be kind to all. Be grateful for what you have and have not lost. Be good to yourself and tell yourself good things.

Blessings, Jamxxx

* * *

_Garrett said no one would love her and he told her he knew her better than anyone. He said she couldn't survive without him. He said she was bad. Horrid. Evil. Unkind. Undeserving. Unlovable._

_She had no reason to doubt him, no stories to use to disagree with him._

_But right now, someone is comforting her, protecting her, sheltering her, and it isn't him. And the things he says are far away somewhere like the hug is a shield against them._

_She can just enjoy the moment._

She never had a hug like that before. It makes her fear and thoughts vanish and warms her up. She moves from not liking being touched to being completely lost in it.

She has never been held like this before. So tenderly and so delicately...soft but not in a fragile way. It's awkward and welcoming. Uncomfortable and life altering. Her heart feels heavy in a good kind of way. Her fingers tangle in messy curls and she can feel Jane's chin nuzzle slightly into her own hair. The heartbeat of the body pressed against hers thuds slower than hers. Slow and sturdy and strong like on it's own it may be relied upon. Trusted.

Safe.

She thinks on Jane's words, 'you might be my reason to get up in the morning with a smile on my face'.

She had never been anyone's reason before. Not in a good way at least. Only in bad ways. She was often the reason people were angry and disappointed and frustrated and unhappy. She had been called all sorts of things and blamed for many many more. She had never been a good thing to anyone.

She felt like she was unnecessary.

And maybe...even for a little while...she might be Jane's reason.

She might be a good thing to someone who was kind and caring. To someone who mattered.

To this someone.

And that made her smile.

And after the hug is interrupted and ends, she can still feel it pressed against her chest and warm on her cheek. She had never been hugged long enough to feel that before. It still tingles like needles on her skin...almost as if I didn't end at all.  
Jane's whispered promise that she won't be alone again plays through her mind as Angela is introduced to her and she receives another Rizzoli hug. As soft as the one before but not as long. And then Tommy hugs her when he is sent to bed. Short sticky arms and a huge grin. Frankie Jr doesn't hug her goodnight, probably because of the suspicious look she gives him. Not so much suspicious as puzzled. He looks so similar to Jane, less hair and shorter but the smirk and the features are so similar. He shows Maura how to fist bump instead.

And she isn't alone now. Barely a moment to herself. Only alone when she sleeps, and only because Jane didn't want her to feel pressured in any way. Angela didn't understand why Jane moved into Tommy's room. It wasn't like Jane had never had friends over before, or sleepovers, girls sleeping in her bed with her.

And Maura was grateful because it showed her that Jane wasn't just trying to get something in return.

Only that first night that Jane had heard her crying and came to check on her, and stayed, innocently. Only to hold her hand, nothing more. Because Maura had asked her to stay. The first night was the scariest because she would forget where she was, because Garrett could walk in and be angry at her for leaving. He could punish her. But once that first night passed without Garrett she would now be fine.  
He hadn't got to her, wouldn't.  
And even though the house was only silent at night, Maura knew she wasn't alone anymore. She knew that Jane was just next door. And the fear of waking with a man sitting on top of her demanding things of her seemed like a distant dream. She no longer had to sleep near the edge of the bed so she could quickly slip off the side and hide if she heard him coming.  
He wasn't here. He didn't know where she was. Couldn't find her.

Sleep was now peaceful and she had no idea how deprived she had become of it. How much she needed it.

Sleep made the world a brighter place.

She had only planned to stay a day or two while she planned her new life, found a place, planned her divorce, and how to break the news to her own family.

But between Angela begging her to stay a bit longer and Jane's warm smiles, she felt like her heart had been somehow kidnapped and was being held hostage in this house filled of...something...something strange...unexpected...inviting.

She could go to a motel but she knows Garrett will keep looking for her.

She could hire security but then she will feel like a prisoner.

She has already changed her number. She has changed her schedule. She has changed her hairdo as well.

She could call her mother for help but she is afraid the mere disappointment will reach through the phone and strangle her. The shame her mother will have to deal with at the country club when the truth eventually comes out.

She could jump on a plane and fly to a remote third world country and work with her father...but if she ran away then the smile that continues to greet her will be too far away from her to see.

The smile that makes her feel like she might be ok. Might be good enough.

She will be too far away to feel that smile.

She can't explain how you can feel a smile but yet she does. It is impossible in medical terms. But yet it wasn't impossible. She had never felt a smile before from anyone. It somehow wrapped around her body and hugged her heart...sometimes it squeezed a little too tight. Sometimes she would even forget to breathe.

It was like the light in a dark room.

The smile could find her everywhere. Across the counter, through the window, sleepy and ruffled in the kitchen in the morning, sparkling and awake at the end of the day saying goodnight in the doorway. Pulling her out of her silent and dangerous thoughts. Holding her up when fear or sadness tried to drag her back down.

"Why do you look at me like that Jane?"

The answer would be a smile.

"Why do you smile at me like that Jane?"

She wanted to understand, needed to make sense of this.

"Cause I like you." Jane would reply casually as if it was the easiest thing in the world.

"Why?"

The question would always dampen that smile just for a moment. She knew it was sadness but she couldn't understand that either. It was a logical question in her mind, why would Jane be sad about that. But if she questioned every new thing in this new environment she was sure she would make herself into a nuisance.

"Why wouldn't I?" Was the reply and then a smile again.

Bright like the sun.

Blinding.

Angela surprised her by giving her the answers she needed. Angela who treated her like one of her own without question.

_Maura had placed the envelope of cash in Angela's hand one day after Jane had left for work. She felt it would be less awkward that way._

_"What's this?"_

_"I don't expect to live here without assisting. It is room and board for my time so far and for another week."_

_Angela chews her lip for a moment, "Is that how long you're staying?"_

_"I'm not sure. I don't know how long I'm welcome for."_

_"Sweetheart, you can stay as long as you need." Angela offers as she hands the envelope back to Maura._

_"I won't charge you to live here. You help out enough. And you're Jane's guest."_

_"It wouldn't be right to take advantage of you. You've been so good to me. And I can easily afford it."_

_"I'm sure you can. I'm also sure my daughter would feel uncomfortable about taking money from you."_

_Maura shakes her head, "Then don't tell her. You all need it. I want to contribute."_

_Angela eyes Maura up till the point she feels uncomfortable._

_"What did Jane tell you about staying here?"_

_"Uh...nothing was agreed upon."_

_"Did she tell you we needed it?"_

_Maura shakes her head no, "But I can tell and I want to help, and Jane...then she can work less. She won't be so tired..."_

_"She won't accept this."_

_Maura sighs, "I don't understand. Is it not enough?"_

_"This is what people do for each other. Friends. Family. Loved ones."_

_Maura stares at her blankly._

_"Caring for and loving others."_

_"So it's charity?"_

_Angela smiles weakly, "Quite the opposite. You don't need charity, you need love."_

Love.

A word she had heard many times. It was even in her wedding vows. Her mother said it the day she was shipped off to boarding school. Her father said it once a month when she saw him. But she had never related it to something akin to this.

She needed more information on it.

She needed to understand why it couldn't be brought. Paid for. Where it came from. How someone got it or earned it. Could you control it, keep it. What was it for. What did it do.

Love.

Jane whispered in her ear that Angela used food to show love, Italian food cooked in a kitchen of laughter, made to bring joy, to show goodness, so people felt good and happy. Angela showed her how to do it too, told her how.

"For those we love" she had said as she mixed in spices and smiled at the aroma. The secret ingredient was love. Always love.

But not everyone cooked with love. And she had never gone hungry but most of her life she had eaten alone, fancy food that didn't make her feel better.

But she had always been starving, starving for food that said 'for you because you are you'.

Love served up on a chipped plate on a shabby tablecloth surrounded by two loud happy hungry boys and a beautiful girl whose smile bore through any exhaustion.

Love that gave Angela strength to face her battles. That made Maura feel fulfilled before she even took a bite. The food, or perhaps the love, always gave Jane strength near the end of the day, strength to put the dishes away, to joke and laugh and then to dance around the table with the last Cannoli over her head so no one else could have it. Shorter arms had no chance to reach hers. She was tall and lean and agile and laughing.

Connoli's Angela made because she knew Jane adored them more than anything else.

But love wasn't just found in food.

The bedroom door closed that night with a click with them both on the inside and then Jane presented that last Cannoli to her like it was a prized possession claimed in a war. Like food was love or love was food. It came with a broad smile and deep dimples and eyes that sparkled with excitement and tenderness. She had to at least taste it because Jane had fought for it after dinner. Because it represented something deeper than she knew how to understand or decipher. It was amazing, sweet, and it tasted like something she had never tried before. It was given without expectation. It asked for nothing in return. It was sacrifice and warmth. A gift.

And she couldn't take it all at once, not all alone, not yet. It was too much. Too overwhelming. It hurt her somewhere inside. And so she offered the uneaten half to Jane. Jane accepted it with surprise but without hesitation, and it vanished quickly with a groan.

And suddenly she missed it, the offering gone and her heart somehow empty. And Jane watched her as she worked through her thoughts. Jane watched her intently and then had chewed her bottom lip. Jane's dark soft eyes glanced lower and paused on her lips. Maura's heart stopped as she thought about what might be about to happen.

Her mind raced and palms sweated.

She wanted this. She wanted Jane. She was sure she did. Even in her fear and confusion she wanted so desperately to be wanted, to be loved physically. Why else had she allowed this stranger to free her from her prison. Why else had she been drawn to her. Why else would every flex of those muscles and flick of dark hair cause knees to feel weak. Even after only a few days she wouldn't run, she could even imagine holding Jane and her touching her, feeling soft warm skin and feeling loved.

That was the only love she had been taught.

Jane's hand reached up to Maura's lip and she flinched. Love and danger crossed paths in her memory. She didn't mean to flinch. Didn't want to. Instantly hating herself for not being in control of herself. For ruining the moment. For not accepting the love. She wanted to cry. She was afraid of Jane hating her. Of feeling rejected.

"Sorry Jane."

"S-okay" Jane whispered back softly unaffected by the actions or perhaps intentionally ignoring them. The long tender fingers reach out and touch her lip to gently wipe the smudge of cream off the corner of Maura's mouth. Maura is frozen as she watches Jane lick it off her finger.

Then another smile as if it was not unusual. As if everything is ok and will be ok.

And maybe that smile somehow can mend a broken person.

Maybe it's mending her because she starts to smile back.

And then her mind attacks her, reminding her of her place in the world. That no one but Garrett wanted her...wants her...

Maura is frozen in confusion.

Jane studies her. So gently. It's a different kind of love. It's unassuming, it's patient, it's not offended or angry or impatient.

It has no expectations.

She doesn't think she is good enough, she doesn't deserve this care, this tenderness, this...love?

She doesn't deserve anything good.

She isn't sure she ever did. It's always came at a cost.

Garretts words plague her brain.

_You're nothing, no one but me would even have you._

He never said it in the beginning. He would say 'he' liked her. And when other people were unkind he would say 'I like you and only what I think matters'. Later though, things changed. And by that point she had no one else to ask. He was her only input. And he said no one else would ever want her.

He said she was not desirable.

Why would Jane want her...or even like her.

She wants to run.

But the same bravery that took her back to 'topless' that day is the only reason she can even speak now, "I thought you...um...did you want to kiss me?"

How can she sound so desperate, the Isles family is never desperate.

It is another layer of low. The same as when Garrett compared the Fairfield's to the Isle's. Even he was able to convince her that his family was superior.

But a kiss is the only love she knows...has known before. It's the only love she understood before. It would be given to her if she was good enough when it suited him. It kept her from hitting the lowest of lows. It meant she was something to someone.

"God yes." Jane whispers weakly, but she doesn't move closer, doesn't lean in, take advantage.

Her heart skips anyway.

"But not until you are ready Maur."

The silence isn't scary. It's not her fault. She isn't in trouble. It is ok.

While it confuses her it isn't her foremost thought.

"I thought..."

"Tell me." Jane begs softly.

Maura closes her eyes, the thoughts tumbling through her mind in a mess. Love, deserve, bad, kiss.

Jane takes her hands holding them between her own.

It scares her. It's foreign. Touch.

"I just...you...you're too much."

Jane looks surprised and the smile is replaced by a frown, "I'm too much?"

"No", Maura shakes her head, "Yes. All of this...it's...I don't understand it. You're perfect and I am so...broken."

"You're not broken Maur. And I'm not perfect."

"I can't explain it Jane. I want to but I can't. Please don't be mad. I'm just confused. I haven't ever had this before..."

Jane shakes her head and the smile returns along with a chuckle, "I'm not mad. Take as long as you need. There's no pressure Maur."

Maura takes a breath and Jane squeezes her hand comfortingly.

The thoughts tumble slower now, the panic is absent. Except that this might end, that she might be turfed back into the unknown or into his arms only to be hurt and afraid again.

"Are you afraid?" Jane asks.

She wants to run. Instinct says run.

Instead she nods and bites back the guilt.

"What are you afraid of?"

"I'm scared you'll change your mind."

"Change my mind about what?"

Maura looks down at her hands, fully enveloped in Jane's hands, "About...about me."

She is scared to look up. She is scared she will see what she expects to see.

That of course she is not enough and undeserving. That she is just a toy for someone else or a charity case.

"I'm not gonna change my mind."

She never felt like she belonged at home, she couldn't understand why her parents even had her. So when Garrett came along she accepted because she wanted to belong. To be loved and accepted. But he had changed his mind. Before the marriage he cared, to him she was valuable and deserving, but after...he taught her she didn't deserve it after all. She wasn't worthy of it. She was faulty. She was terrible and unloveable. And she needed him.

"In whatever sense you mean Maura, this won't stop unless you want it to."

"You're wasting your time."

She doesn't even have to look up to know her comment has caused Jane pain. The atmosphere changes around her, Jane's grip on her hands tightens.

"Look at me Maur."

Firm words in a small gravely voice.

She looks up slowly to eyes that are warm and tender, unchanged.

"Remember what I told you about believing bad things about yourself."

She has to think back, to Janes story, she hadn't forgotten it. She just didn't know the story was for her. Meant for her.

"Tell yourself something nice. Something truthful."

She has to focus, because truthful and nice don't sound like they belong together. She doesn't deserve this...to be treated so nicely. Does she?

"And if you think you deserve bad things and unkindness and hurt and rejection...think about why you might deserve it...what you did to deserve it."

She can't answer because of the sobs that fill her throat.

Jane wraps her in a hug and strokes her back in circles. The exhausted girl who worked all day still has time for her. The girl with the golden smile that wants to give it to her so often. How could she get so lucky. Except she has never believed in luck.

"Shhhhh." Jane coos softly against her ear making her only want to cry harder, "You deserve good things. You just do. Its all ok. It's all going to be ok."


End file.
